How to Poop at Work

[Amos]

How to Poop at Work

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We've all been there but don't like to admit it.

We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this.

Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.

Walk in and check for other poopers.

If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.

People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.

If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.

If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.

Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.

If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water.

This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom.

This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.

As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
proud of it.

You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.

Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group
can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors.

Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open.

This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.

If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.

This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall.

This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.

Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.

This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.

If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident.

If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANAOMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.

Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend ext ended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot.

An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

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SOME VARIETIES~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis.
It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it'sstill floating in there.
How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it
falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party.
And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.